Full disclosure: This isn’t the first time I’ve written about this exact topic. The first time I wrote it, I wasn’t yet married, but I felt like I had discovered the key to relationship bliss, and wanted to share it with the world.
Second disclosure: Most of my friends consider me sort of “whipped” because of the advice I’m about to lay on you. But you know what? I hate that stigma. Why do we make it sound like it’s a bad thing to consider how our actions may affect our romantic partners? After all, most of the time, they’re a pretty big part of our lives. And, most of the time, disaster could be avoided if only we’d thought ahead a little bit.
Without further ado, I’d like to present you with the top 6 reasons you should ask your partner for permission — even though you don’t have to.
It prevents conflicts.
Sometimes when we’re in a relationship, it becomes easy to stop thinking of yourselves as me and you and instead start thinking as we. This can be great, for some things, but there will come a time when you and your other half both RSVP for something for both of you, at the same time. Just like that, you’re expected in two different places at the same time, and a major scheduling conflict has presented itself.
If, on the other hand, both of you check in with the other out of habit, these scheduling conflicts never happen. You know that being in a serious relationship means that your schedule will sometimes depend on your partner’s schedule, and sometimes you’re going to do things separately, too. There’s nothing wrong with either of those things, as long as you know they’re coming.
It keeps you connected.
All too often, in our quest to maintain our autonomy, we can actually forget to let our partners know what’s going on in our lives. This might seem especially true for partners who live separately, but in my personal experience it can be just as easy when you do live together. Asking for permission takes all the guesswork out of it by presenting the option before you’re unavailable, instead of waiting until your partner is going crazy trying to figure out where you might be.
Maybe that’s an overdramatization for most people, but it stands to reason that your partner won’t be anxious about your whereabouts if you’ve cleared it with them ahead of time. Whether there are insecurities already or you’d just like to prevent them from happening in the first place, asking permission can save your partner a lot of worrying.
It helps you make better decisions.
Humans, with all their advances and infinite wisdom, have one major flaw: We are inherently biased, bound to our own perspective. Many of us feel that we have all the information, that our insights are automatically the best, and that the large majority of decisions should be handled alone. Quite frankly, that’s a bunch of malarkey.
Your partner, while presumably having similar interests, has a perspective that you may not have considered. He or she has insights and information that you don’t, and you don’t know if any of it pertains to an individual situation unless you ask for it. Maybe you do know best after all, but what if you don’t?
It shows respect and cultivates trust.
In a perfect world, every partnership would be filled to the brim with love, trust, and respect — but in the real world, it can be hard to develop those things, especially if you’re not used to them being there. (Shoutout to all my fellow domestic assault survivors!) But even the smallest interactions can help build up the positive things that we all need in our lives.
Of course, it has to go both ways — if only one partner is seeking input and asking permission, things skew and control is unbalanced. But if you care about your partner, wouldn’t you want to show them you do? Both partners can take each other’s feelings into consideration, and the love will grow.
It gives you an (occasional) “out.”
As an extreme introvert with sometimes-crippling social anxiety, I usually relish the opportunity to get the house to myself. My wife tends to try pushing me outside of my comfort zone most of the time, but she knows that some days I really, really need a mental health day. By asking her permission for things in a slightly different way than I normally do, she knows that I’m actually sort of hoping she’ll say no.
This has to be used sparingly, of course; my wife won’t let me get away with it too often, and I wouldn’t want people to get the idea that she’s keeping me from having fun. She certainly doesn’t. But she is my comfort person, and part of that comfort is knowing I can blame it on her when I just really want to be by myself.
It builds a healthy partnership.
If you’re not used to seeking someone else’s input on your life, it can feel restricting the first few times, but as you both grow more used to it, you’ll find that it actually helps to create and enforce boundaries. Not every question requires your partner’s input — you get to decide exactly how much of a say they really have.
As with all other aspects of asking permission, this depends entirely on balance. It has to go both ways. The more accustomed to the process you both become, the more you can fine-tune the dynamics, but first you just need to get started.
Semi-Planned Chaos 