Month: March 2019

Posted in Crazy Life

Whoops — Accidental Hiatus! (Again)

Posted on by Babz

Hey guys! I know this blog is just starting out and already I’ve gone on hiatus for way longer than I’ve actually been active.

I’d like to pretend I have a good reason for that. Like, for example, that we accidentally (and without warning) ended up with a third kid for the time being. I’d like to, but that wouldn’t be fair… Seeing as this is a parenting(ish) blog in the first place.

But just because I don’t need to give excuses doesn’t mean that I don’t want to keep you guys updated on what’s going on! So, here’s the fun news since the last time I wrote.

1. Our baby plans are currently on pause.

We actually got all the stuff we need to bring Baby Zombie-Dragon into the world — but life had other plans. We’re not really sure how long the pause will be, but for now, we’re holding off.

2. We started official paperwork for our girls!

For anyone who has never filled out a guardianship petition before, let me tell you — these things are lengthy. It’s most of the way filled out now, but I want to go over it with an attorney just to make sure everything’s in order.

(Also, if any of our readers happens to be an attorney licensed in the state of California and would like to help advise us for free, that would be amazing — if not, we’ll wait until we get a callback from the referral service.)

3. We temporarily have a third child.

As I mentioned in the introduction, we currently have a third child in our care. She’s the younger sister of the two girls we already have, and we don’t expect to have her for too much longer. But, for now, she’s joined our family, and I am happy to report that I’m actually feeling way more ready to be a mom-of-three now.

4. Mama Zombie got a promotion (and raise) at work!

The few of you who know us in real life probably knows that Mama Zombie has been waiting around to be promoted to supervisor. Well, shortly after all this started with our girls, she received the promotion she’s been waiting on. It’s not a huge raise, but the hours are better, and our family is working much more cohesively now that we’ve all adjusted.

5. The Dinosaur has started (occasionally) calling me Mom.

For those of you who have never raised a child that wasn’t your own, it might be hard to understand how big of a thing this is. But for anyone who has fallen in love with a child you didn’t help to conceive, you already know that it’s a magical feeling that, for a brief moment, makes all the pain and heartache seem worth it somehow. Of course, the pain and heartache comes back, especially since the girls aren’t actually ours yet, but… Mama Dragon feels so happy about this.

What’s new in your world? Drop us a comment and let us know! Even though I’m not posting here, I will still read everything that comes through. (We hope that the blog will start to be more active again soon, too.)

Posted in Wifey Wednesday

Why You Should Ask Your Partner’s Permission (Even Though You Don’t “Have To”)

Posted on by Babz

Full disclosure: This isn’t the first time I’ve written about this exact topic. The first time I wrote it, I wasn’t yet married, but I felt like I had discovered the key to relationship bliss, and wanted to share it with the world.

Second disclosure: Most of my friends consider me sort of “whipped” because of the advice I’m about to lay on you. But you know what? I hate that stigma. Why do we make it sound like it’s a bad thing to consider how our actions may affect our romantic partners? After all, most of the time, they’re a pretty big part of our lives. And, most of the time, disaster could be avoided if only we’d thought ahead a little bit.

Without further ado, I’d like to present you with the top 6 reasons you should ask your partner for permission — even though you don’t have to.

It prevents conflicts.

Sometimes when we’re in a relationship, it becomes easy to stop thinking of yourselves as me and you and instead start thinking as we. This can be great, for some things, but there will come a time when you and your other half both RSVP for something for both of you, at the same time. Just like that, you’re expected in two different places at the same time, and a major scheduling conflict has presented itself.

If, on the other hand, both of you check in with the other out of habit, these scheduling conflicts never happen. You know that being in a serious relationship means that your schedule will sometimes depend on your partner’s schedule, and sometimes you’re going to do things separately, too. There’s nothing wrong with either of those things, as long as you know they’re coming.

It keeps you connected.

All too often, in our quest to maintain our autonomy, we can actually forget to let our partners know what’s going on in our lives. This might seem especially true for partners who live separately, but in my personal experience it can be just as easy when you do live together. Asking for permission takes all the guesswork out of it by presenting the option before you’re unavailable, instead of waiting until your partner is going crazy trying to figure out where you might be.

Maybe that’s an overdramatization for most people, but it stands to reason that your partner won’t be anxious about your whereabouts if you’ve cleared it with them ahead of time. Whether there are insecurities already or you’d just like to prevent them from happening in the first place, asking permission can save your partner a lot of worrying.

It helps you make better decisions.

Humans, with all their advances and infinite wisdom, have one major flaw: We are inherently biased, bound to our own perspective. Many of us feel that we have all the information, that our insights are automatically the best, and that the large majority of decisions should be handled alone. Quite frankly, that’s a bunch of malarkey.

Your partner, while presumably having similar interests, has a perspective that you may not have considered. He or she has insights and information that you don’t, and you don’t know if any of it pertains to an individual situation unless you ask for it. Maybe you do know best after all, but what if you don’t?

It shows respect and cultivates trust.

In a perfect world, every partnership would be filled to the brim with love, trust, and respect — but in the real world, it can be hard to develop those things, especially if you’re not used to them being there. (Shoutout to all my fellow domestic assault survivors!) But even the smallest interactions can help build up the positive things that we all need in our lives.

Of course, it has to go both ways — if only one partner is seeking input and asking permission, things skew and control is unbalanced. But if you care about your partner, wouldn’t you want to show them you do? Both partners can take each other’s feelings into consideration, and the love will grow.

It gives you an (occasional) “out.”

As an extreme introvert with sometimes-crippling social anxiety, I usually relish the opportunity to get the house to myself. My wife tends to try pushing me outside of my comfort zone most of the time, but she knows that some days I really, really need a mental health day. By asking her permission for things in a slightly different way than I normally do, she knows that I’m actually sort of hoping she’ll say no.

This has to be used sparingly, of course; my wife won’t let me get away with it too often, and I wouldn’t want people to get the idea that she’s keeping me from having fun. She certainly doesn’t. But she is my comfort person, and part of that comfort is knowing I can blame it on her when I just really want to be by myself.

It builds a healthy partnership.

If you’re not used to seeking someone else’s input on your life, it can feel restricting the first few times, but as you both grow more used to it, you’ll find that it actually helps to create and enforce boundaries. Not every question requires your partner’s input — you get to decide exactly how much of a say they really have.

As with all other aspects of asking permission, this depends entirely on balance. It has to go both ways. The more accustomed to the process you both become, the more you can fine-tune the dynamics, but first you just need to get started.

Posted in Motivation Monday

“I Don’t Love You Today”

Posted on by Babz

The other night, the Dinosaur told me something particularly hurtful. “I don’t love you today.” Just those few short words stuck me like a knife through the heart. I know she’s only three years old. I know she doesn’t mean it. But I also know it hurts.

It’s not the first time she’s said it, and I know it won’t be the last. Usually, she says things like this after she comes back from her mom’s house (who she has taken to calling her “real mom” lately — I’m not trying to discourage this just yet). I don’t know why she says it, but I do know that it hurts.

I’m still learning how to deal with this, especially when the heat of the moment is overwhelming. I won’t pretend I’ve got everything all figured out. But the next time she says this to me, I hope I remember at least some of the following.

It’s okay to have a rough day sometimes.

You’re stuck in a situation you can’t control, and that’s hard enough for me as an adult with (relative) control over my impulses. Some days are going to be harder than others, and especially when it feels like nothing is going your way, it’s hard enough just to make it through. I know it’s easy enough for me to say that your situation isn’t an excuse for bad behavior, but it’s easy for me to forget that you’ve been stuck in this situation that’s out of your control for almost your entire life. For me, it’s only been two years, out of nearly thirty. But for you, it’s been two years out of less than four. I will try to be more patient with you and understand that the reason you act the way that you do isn’t because of me. It’s because you’re stuck in the same situation I’m stuck in, without the experience and knowledge to fully understand it. I get it, but sometimes I forget.

You haven’t always been shown the best examples of love.

I don’t know everything that goes on at your mom’s house. Hell, I don’t even know everything that goes on at our house. But I know that we show love in different ways, and some days I know it feels like I’m rejecting the way you show your love. When you’ve brought me fifty million gifts that I can’t possibly find a spot for, sometimes I beg you not to bring me any more. When you’re begging and pleading for the rest of my coffee, it’s not because you want me to be tired and you to be bouncing off the walls, it’s because you want to be just like me. And, when I’m trying to wrestle you into your pajamas during the bedtime rush and you’d rather run through the house and have a tickle fight, you’re not trying to get on every last nerve — you’re trying to spend some last-minute quality time with me before you fall asleep exhausted. I get it, but sometimes I forget.

Love is not a currency or a reward.

It saddens me to think that your mom taught you that love is meant to be given as a reward and taken away as a punishment. Of course I don’t know if she taught you this on purpose or on accident, but I know that you have internalized these ideas that you don’t deserve basic care unless you’re actively making someone happy. It hurts so much that I even have to think about that. I know it probably doesn’t seem like it, but everything I do is because I love you and your sister. But love is more than presents, or endless attention, or letting you get your way all the time. Real love means showing up even when you don’t feel like it, to make sure the people who count on you have what they need to get through the day. Real love means making sure you’ve got a full belly and a warm bed and a clean pair of panties in the morning. Real love means I’m there for you even when nobody is on my side, because you need someone in your corner, too. I get it, but sometimes I forget.

I know you do love me — whether you want to admit it or not.

I’m sure loving me isn’t always easy. Loving you isn’t always easy, either. There are some days when you yell at me you’d rather be with your real mom, and out of frustration I tell you I’d rather you be with your mom, too. But that’s not true. We both know your mom doesn’t do right by you, and as much as I wish she would, there’s no sign that she will any time soon. You’re young, but you know the truth. Love is about more than an occasional Happy Meal and a new pair of shoes. Love isn’t always convenient, and sometimes it’s messy and painful and downright ugly, but you know when it’s real, and you know when it’s just a lie that someone tells to get their way. Real love can’t be given or taken, it just is. I get it, but sometimes I forget.

You don’t have to love me.

What sort of person would I be if I told you who you were supposed to love and who you weren’t? It frustrates me knowing that you pine after someone who doesn’t treat you right, and then I give up my whole life to make sure you and your sister are safe and healthy and it feels like neither of you appreciates it in the slightest. Oh, trust me, it’s hard. But love doesn’t have to be reciprocated to be real. I know that, when you’re older, you’ll look back and you’ll understand that I always had your best interest at heart. When you’re older, you’ll see that I was there for you when no one else was. Does that mean that you owe me your love? Of course not. I get it, but sometimes I forget.

I know I’m not the best, but I’m trying to be better.

And that’s all we can really hope for in life. I got dealt a rough hand, too. In just a few short weeks, I went from underemployed college student to stay-at-home parent to two kids, quicker than most people end up with just one kid. In the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing! Still most of the time I don’t have a clue. I know I get angry and I say things I don’t mean. I know I get frustrated and just beg for a few minutes without you. But then, when you go back with your mom, I get scared. What’s going to happen to you when I’m not there to protect you? You’re still so small, and just because you talk like a little old lady doesn’t mean you can wrap your head around all my shortcomings. To you, I’m just the crazy person with the rainbow hair who keeps taking you away from your mom and making you eat vegetables. At three years old, I probably wouldn’t love that person either. I get it, but sometimes I forget.

I don’t love you today, either.

I love you everyday, and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. Even if your mom starts doing right by you and she takes you back, you’re still going to be the first baby that was really mine. I’ll always remember the nights you slept in my bed, snuggled between me and Mama Tiger. I’ll always remember the nights I stayed awake just to keep an eye on you because I was so sure that this fever would be the one that ended badly, the one that would mess up my chances of keeping you with me, the one that put you in the hospital. Of course, that never happened. You’re safe here, and it’s largely because I love you so much.

So, no, you don’t have to love me today. But I’m going to love you for always.

For anyone who’s curious… A few hours after the incident, she actually came out and gave me a hug.

“I lied,” she said. “I do love you today.”

“I know,” I said, hugging her back. “I love you too.”